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What Going Back Was Really Like

February 9, 2020

Hey loves!

 

When I got back to Cambridge after the winter break, I walked into my dorm room and I was completely overwhelmed. I had actually extended my time at home after we lost our rabbit Mümi because I felt like I needed some more time with my family to deal with the loss. But grief is not something you can schedule and turn off when it is time to focus on school or anything else. 

 

As you may have seen in my dorm tour video, my room is filled with rabbit-related decorations: 

My rabbit was a big part of my life and I love her very much. But coming back to a room so filled with things related to her was hard because it just reminded me once again of what I had lost. It was like I could not look anywhere in my room without being reminded of my loss. I also realised everyday what I was missing since my mom and I no longer exchanged videos of our rabbit and every time I turned my laptop on, I saw my rabbit as my background. And suddenly I felt a little more alone since I was no longer with my family and the workload of my degree did not care that I was dealing with a big loss. 

 

I was dealing with it and I wrote a lot of diary entries which did help a little. At the time the term officially started, I did not feel up to vlogging. I picked up the camera a few times, but I could not bring myself to finish any of the vlogs I started. So I decided to take a break from vlogging until I felt up to it. I am excited to be back as a vlogger on YouTube, but I am also so grateful that I was able to take a break. 

 

Since getting back was so hard, I was thinking if I could give you guys any advice if you ever find yourself in a similar position. But the honest truth is that I cannot. There is no recipe for dealing with loss - you can only deal with it one day at a time. It is confusing and painful. I would be lying if I said that I am not thinking of Mümi every single day. I miss her a lot. And I know my entire family does too. 

 

The only thing which I can recommend is to allow yourself to feel that pain. It is fine to distract yourself every once in a while, but do not force yourself to be fine when you are not. Taking my time to get better was the best decision I could make and I am glad that I took a break. I am not a big talker, but talking to my mom about how much we both miss Mümi and which memories of her we cherish the most helped. 

 

I chose the title picture of today's post because it represents quite well how I felt in that time - confused, not realty understanding myself and just a little bit like I was watching myself instead of actually living my life. This incredible picture was taken by Elena Siminkovich and you can find more of her incredible photos here

 

If you would like to contact me, you can send me a message here.

 

Lots of Love,

 

Elena

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