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to my insecurities

May 18, 2019

Hey loves!

 

Today, I wanted to share some of my insecurities with you guys. We all have some - whether we hide them behind jokes or do not talk about them at all. I decided to write about mine to help others who are experiencing similar struggles with their insecurities to address them. Some of the insecurities mentioned here are insecurities I have already overcome, but I am also still working on many. 

 

My Weight

I was insecure about my weight for years. I had never realised that I was that skinny until people started telling me. What starts out as compliments easily turns into questions about my eating behaviour and whether I am anorexic. I became self-conscious about my weight and wanted to gain weight to be ‘normal’ because everyone around me acted like my size 0 was not normal. I kept eating even when I was not hungry in the hopes of increasing my weight, but it did not work. In hindsight, it makes sense that I did not gain much weight while stressing myself out about my weight. My bodyweight issues went so far that I ended up going to the doctor to check whether I had an eating disorder that I was not aware of. My doctor weighed and measured me and then she used the data to put a dot on the BMI (Body Mass Index) Graph which is used to show irregularities in bodyweight. Despite what everyone around me was saying, I was within the normal range. I find it sad to say that this meant the world to me at that point in time. Having a doctor tell me that my weight was normal was something I had no idea I needed to hear until I heard it. 

 

After that doctor visit, I sat myself down in my room and I decided that I would be fine with my weight from now on - regardless of other people’s opinions. And somehow, this conversation with myself was the end of this insecurity. People still sometimes point out my weight, but I simply do not care about it anymore and I have learned to tell people that it is none of their business. It took a long time and many days of wearing extra large sweaters to hide my weight, but I got there. 

 

My Acne

I started having acne when I was twelve and I started using makeup around the same time. The two events are not coincidentally linked through time - my acne made me use makeup in order to cover it up. I remember being ashamed of my acne and wanting to hide it. I wish I could say I have grown out of this habit. That I would not apply a full face of makeup to run to the bakery. That I would not mind attending a family event with no makeup. But that would be a lie. I am still working on this insecurity but I have definitely become more comfortable with it than I was five years ago. 

 

Although I am still struggling with this insecurity, I have to say that it also taught me some pretty awesome skills. Thanks to my acne, I got into makeup and although I probably did not start with it for the right reasons, I ended up experimenting with makeup and I love creating creative makeup looks. I learned a lot about different makeup formulas and why some things may work for your skin while others do not. I would not have gained this creative or scientific knowledge without my acne. My acne also got me into digital design. Because I wanted to hide my acne so badly, I started using apps like Facetune, but I quickly realised that the editing on these apps is easily detectable. Therefore, I switched to more professional photo-editing programs. Once again, I did not start with them for the right reasons, but I think I stayed with this hobby for the right reasons. I love getting creative on design and photo-editing programs and I learned a lot about digital design over the past few years. And I have my acne to thank for these skills. 

 

My Wrist Bone

Insecurities can be weirdly specific and this is probably one of the best examples of it. My wrist bone stands out a little and, for years, I considered that a sign of not weighing enough. I have come to accept that my bone simply looks like that through accepting my weight as it is, but I used to hide this bone a lot. I remember picking out shirts that would hide it back in middle school and I honestly regret all these times I cared what other people may think about it and chose to wear the less comfortable outfit. This oddly specific insecurity has taught me something though: The little imperfections you are stressing over largely go unnoticed by most others. I always thought that this bone made me look incredibly skinny and that, therefore, people would pay attention to it. But in all honesty, I cannot remember a single time where someone commented on it. 

 

My Teeth

I cannot remember the last time I took a selfie while smiling and showing my teeth. I guess that is already telling of the fact that my teeth are a huge insecurity of mine. One of my friends recently captured a photo of me smiling with my teeth and putting it on the ‘about’ page of my new website was a big step for me. So yeah, I am dealing with this insecurity - one smile and photo at a time.

 

Got an insecurity you would like to share with the world in order to start overcoming it? You can contribute to We Define Beauty - their instagram account inspired me to write this post and you can check them out here.

 

Lots of Love,

 

Elena

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