I returned to university a week ago and my classes will start in a few days. Going back to Cambridge felt weird since I had taken a break from university a few months ago due to my mental health. A few days ago, I looked back at the video where I talked about my mental health struggles and there was this scene where I talked about hoping to look at this video in a few months' time and feeling better. Hearing myself say that made me want to hug my past self and tell her that things did indeed get better.
When I made that video a few months ago, I was honestly not so sure whether things would get better. I felt alone, hopeless, and I felt like I could not stop being sad. While this blog and my channel are platforms on which I am as honest about things as I am comfortable with, I also did not want to burden you all with my issues. When I posted the video about my mental health issues, I expected to lose subscribers because people subscribe to my channel for study tips and learning more about university life - not to see someone struggle. But I was proven wrong. The video was a huge success for my channel and I actually gained subscribers through posting it.
But even if I had not gained any subscribers and actually lost some, I do not think that I would have regretted posting it. It is the most personal and honest video on my channel and I am proud of it. It took a lot of courage to post it and even though it was terrifying to talk about something as personal as mental health on the internet, it was also freeing to tell the truth.
I know that there is a good chance that quite a few of my peers have seen the video and I thought about how I would feel knowing they saw me cry. I know that this is a weird concern, but I find crying weirdly personal and sharing a video of me crying was therefore difficult for me. I was worried that coming back to Cambridge would just trigger negative emotions for me, but that did not happen. And I am no longer worried about whether my peers have seen the video - it is honest and I think it encourages discussion about mental health issues. If anything, I think we should try to be more honest with our peers about our struggles.
So to answer the question I have been asked a lot on social media over the past few days: It feels good to be back. I know that the year will not be easy (I mean, we're talking about law at Cambridge), but I am nonetheless looking forward to the new academic year. I also wanted to use this post to say thank you to all the people who supported me over the past few months and sent me encouraging messages - you have no idea how much it helps.
Lots of Love,