- Jul 19, 2020

On Failure

Hey loves!

Consider this your big spoiler alert if you have not watched the video! I filmed the video as a live reaction and I was honestly quite disappointed by my results. I now had a few days to reflect on my results and here are some of my thoughts:

I nonetheless worked hard. Even though I did not get the results I was hoping for, I worked incredibly hard. I have a hard time giving myself compliments, but I think I deserve to tell myself that I worked hard. During my study period, I filmed seven hours of live study with me time on weekdays and I worked even more outside these times. Even though the work I did did not pay off in the way I had hoped, I did that work. And I deserve to be proud of the effort I put in.

There is nothing I can do about it now. This may sound resigned, but it is actually a way for me to deal with bad news and worries. When something occupies my thoughts - like the potential loss of my scholarship definitely does - I ask myself if there is anything I can do about the situation at this moment. If the answer is no, then there is no point in worrying about it. That emotional energy is wasted because it will not be turned into productive steps to remedy the situation. Right now, all I can do is wait to find out whether or not they will nonetheless consider my grades enough.

I grew. A year ago, I think I would have cried at seeing these grades. Not because I would have thought they were bad, but because I would have been so scared of potentially losing my scholarship. I took these results in a more mature way and I think my reaction shows that I have developed quite a bit of mental strength which I did not have in the previous academic year. Although that is not what I was hoping to take from opening my results, I am nonetheless glad that I grew like this.

Let me leave you with this poem "Your Best" by Barbara Vance:

If you always try your best

Then you'll never have to wonder

About what you could have done

If you'd summoned all your thunder.

And if your best

Was not as good

As you hoped it would be,

You still could say,

"I gave today

All that I had in me."

Be kind to yourself.